Metamorphosis (Ayahuasca Documentary) Update

Metamorphosis(Official Site) is a documentary that follows several westerners as they undergo five Ayahuasca ceremonies and experience the gamut of emotions — from utter fear to outright ecstasy. It also explores the shamans who work with the medicine as well as all the key elements of an Ayahuasca ceremony.

Breckenridge Film Festival (June 11th-14th) in Breckenridge, Colorado. – Won Best Cinematography

Upcoming Viewings:

Wild Project (June 20th 7:30pm) at 195 East 3rd Street, NYC, NY

5th International Amazonian Shamanism Conference (July 11th-18th) in Iquitos, Peru. I don’t know specifically what day, but I doubt anyone semi-curious is going to travel there specifically for the documentary when you could easily find a local group to experience Ayahuasca for yourself.

I’ll update as I learn about screenings at other conferences and festivals elsewhere.

Confronting Travel Anxiety

Ever since reading 7 habits of highly effective teens in high school the use of words like comfort zone and paradigm have been highlighted by my brain when listening to people speak. In the idea of a comfort zone is the ability to expand it by operating in the area where you are uncomfortable. It hasn’t even been a week so perhaps I’m expecting a bit much especially since the drive down was pretty tame as far as doing something out of the ordinary; but the anxiety attacks seem rather server so far.

I spent most of the night Sunday before leaving Rochester, flip flopping on whether to go through with it. I don’t know how long I writhed in my bed until I committed to the idea and was able to fall asleep.

Tired and feeling a bit ill I wrapped up a few things I had remaining and it passed when my stoic mask was put on to chat with my grandfather and a few friends before leaving. I was good till we hard the car nearly packed and I felt nervousness again growing. I grew comfortable on the drive down, dealing mostly with nauseousness from the length of the drive but realizing for the time most worries were out of my hands. However, having arrived in Texas its become time to figure out my next move.

Between overeating a bit and feeling stressed, soon as I had time to myself I was shaking, feeling nauseous and overwhelming myself with questions about the whole trip. Walking is an option but when you consider the math of it, it does seem a bit absurd. A full day of walking (20-24 miles) is like 30-40 minutes in a car.

The bus ticket is definitely cheaper than the cost of food while walking for a month between here and the first farm. Stands to reason that it would be true of any great distance making buses the way to prolong the length of the trip in addition to a greater variety of locations possible. My qualms with abandoning aspects of the original idea seem to grow fewer but I do wonder if in doing so I’m making my search to understand what I would enjoy doing harder.

I’m growing accustom to handling my friend’s 10 month old though and the trip down wasn’t anywhere near as bad as she thought it would be. Even if theres no sudden change I am learning to be in the moment and I’ve gotten more confident in dealing with a toddler. Still plenty to learn yet though.

Embracing Uncertainty

I’ve been a bit silent the last week or two and I’ve got a week left till I start driving down to texas with a friend. Taos, New Mexico is the only other waypoint I have at the moment but at the same time I’m not yet actively hunting my next stop after that. I feel like the art of living is somewhere in improvisation, a talent I don’t feel confident in suggesting I begin to possess. For all purposes though its probably just a result of my outlook that nothing is certain, if nothing is certain you need to be able to dodge, absorb or reflect anything dependent on a situation in order to act correctly or rightly. I suppose thats my definition of simplicity, to intuitively navigate in that way no matter the situation.

Synchronicity vs Coincidence was again on my mind, when someone commented on my most recent post about Aramu Muru’s Doorway. I’m was thinking to myself I’ll be one state away from Arizona, perhaps I ought to poke around personally. The article I saw suggested the “gate” had long since collapsed, but the commenter suggests there is a more ornate one in the same area. I’d have to hunt down more information on that if I actually plan to, but it lead me to search Ron Quinn again . Hoping for a bit of contact info; I found myself side tracked by a book he wrote, Little People, about some kind of foot tall human-looking multi-dimensional beings seen around the Catskills and Adirondacks. Hits home cause its a legend about someplace within the same state that I’ve spent my life.

He could just be a good storyteller but part of me wants to believe he’s actually had some of the strange experiences he claims. The question in my mind then becomes “Am I being guided to a truth by some greater force or do I just want to believe so badly in something extraordinary that I’m chasing any string I find?” The middle ground is that if I met him I may pick up some trick to storytelling or maybe he could give a few tips on discovering my own weird experiences, so either way it could prove fruitful. Its pretty easy to write off so many things that I’m not sure what I’d consider athenticly unexplainable, but I’d still like to encounter what I can.

Heaven on my mind.

Beg your pardon but this will probably be one of my more stream of consciousness type posts.

For whatever reason Youtube was suggesting videos of different Motivational Speakers for me to watch last week. I ended up picking one of Jim Rohn, who popularized the quote “Work harder on yourself, than you do on your job.” His speech resonated in my head with a larger conflict I contemplate.  He drilled on results as the thing that marks your progress and really the entire point of anything you do. I think the only argument I can take against it though is that he seemed concentrated on a market like definition of results. In anything its difficult to be indifferent to results, rather than determining value by monitary return spirituality asks you to develop as a person. My weakness is want of knowledge, to practice a discipline for a life time, I fear I’d be no closer to knowing anything more than I do now. I might very well be a more compassionate and capable person for the effort but it seems like it would become harder to maintain hope that I would understand something greater as time went on.

I suppose in a way its the ultimate fear of uncertainty, I don’t try the path because I’m not certain it will have answers. The irony is that every path has answers, all truths might be subjective, and yet I’m holding out for one eternal truth that might not exist and likely even if it did exist I would look at uncertain as any other choice. In this way the idea of indifference to results makes sense but its difficult to find the drive for things for their own sake. I’m having trouble collecting my thoughts of the past week or two, watched Jesus Christ Superstar yesterday and the perspective of Judas and Mary seemed to sum up the opposing sides.

In the beginning of the movie Judas represents a commitment to earthly troubles (Heaven on their minds) and Mary that mystical ideal that everything is auspicious (Everything’s alright). Its said that the realization of auspiciousness only works at a specific height of enlightenment, even a step away the idea can be misleading, appear delusional or unrecognizable. I suppose I have an assumption that to recognize all as auspicious is bliss and would be the only result I’d need, the importance of earthly troubles would fall away. Mentally though earthly troubles seem more applicable to the idea of having/needing results and progress. Compassion for others is a tie to the worldly troubles and seems like it would get in the way of bliss, but I ought to be indifferent to the results so bliss ought to be something I should be grateful to experience but ultimately indifferent about?

If there is no eternal truth, want of knowledge is want of belief, and thus I’m still as delusional as the rest but maybe it is as preferable to uncertainty as I’ve been lead to think. I don’t know, just don’t get me started on Determinism and Fatalism…

Pilgrimage: New Plan

Unfortunately I’ve successfully reasoned myself away from my leap of faith. Pride has won over the idea of surviving primarily on the alms of others. Traveling without money has become working my way around however I may. I’m not yet a street performer so for the time being I imagine I’m looking at physical labor, any suggestions on short term work (of any variety, for food or money) for the transient population would be much appreciated.

The only idea I’ve got at the moment would be shifting from farm to farm within the World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF) which offers food and shelter in exchange for a number of hours of work. Obviously its very seasonal and I’d have to get invitations ahead of time to my next destination. The advantage is its one way to stretch the remnants of my bank account and should prove educational in a number of ways.

My bank account becomes the end of the road unless I find some possitive flow in the process but I suppose thats part of the trip. I will also be starting from Texas rather than my native Rochester, NY. I’ll be driving down with a friend and her daughter when they return home, unless plans change again. Which is possible and just part of the flow. I’m a little disappointed to so quickly throw those early limits to the wind before even starting but I’m telling myself the main thing is to go, rather than how its done. Whether that idiom is intuition or reasoned logic, damned if I know; but heres hoping I find out.

Consequences of Bad Posture

I’ve been a pretty sedentary creature for most of my life so its definitely gonna be a bit of work getting comfortable walking 20+ miles a day. I used to walk home from work which was roughly three miles and sometimes would notice a pain in my arms. I had assumed it was just from being tense trying to keep warm, but I walked for roughly an hour today and felt something similar. Looked it up and found it was related to a problem that came to my awareness in school for Massage Therapy.

One of the first things you get involved with is range of motion which my shoulders have trouble with to a startling degree for being 23. I was one of the younger people in the class and one of those in need of the most work to improve range of motion. In the end it comes down to my posture which I’ve been more attentive to in some respects since learning about my issue but really not gone to any effective length to remedy it. The body balances itself and I’m one of many that hold their head forward rather than keeping it in line with the central axis of the body. In doing this the stress of carrying it bounces from back to front and back repeatedly down the body. Some muscles chronically tighten others weaken over time in this state. This comes with the risk of pinching nerves as well as general inflexibility and limited range of motion.

In any event, looks as though stretching and taking a more active attentiveness to my posture is added to preperation for walking. This site has a good description of how to elavulate your own posture and what you can do to correct it if your in the same place as me about midway down the page. When I performed the test with my body against the wall my left hand and forarm started to tingle from the nerve being compressed. Makes it clear why the Buddha was all about posture and exercise in the daily routine.

Truth in the Typo

So I was thinking about writing the phrase “Questio Cunctus” on a hat to improve traffic while walking around, which got me thinking about a friends question as to whether I’d translated “Seeking the Whole” properly. I just checked a few sites again and noticed that it appears I did in fact improperly translate. Cunctus does appear to translate at least roughly to “all, all collectively, the whole”; however this time around I noticed a pattern suggesting that Quaestio would have been a more accurate way of saying “Seeking”. By dropping the ‘a’ the word seems to represent asking rather than seeking.

There is actually a host of variations from quaesro to questio for different grammatical uses of seek and ask, which I might as well just admit I don’t know which one I’d truly want. Grammar isn’t a topic I pay much heed in English, attempting to figure it out in Latin is obviously a few steps away. Further contemplation leads me to thinking ‘tio’ is the wrong ending for my purpose as well. Perhaps “Quaeso Cunctus” better fits my original intention?

quaero quero : to seek, search for / ask, enquire, search for
quaero quero : to miss, want / seek to know / obtain, get.
quaesitio quesitio : investigation, interrogation.
quaeso queso : to seek for, ask for.
quaestio questio : seeking, searching / inquiry, investigation.

The initial realization about the difference between the meaning from just one letter reminded me of the Rhetoric 10 podcasts I listened to and their discussion of “Medium is the Massage.” A lot of Coffeen’s lecturing in the class is about texts being self demonstrative and consistent; through “Medium is the Massage” Coffeen drills on the point that the writer saw this and went so far as to keep the typo in the title, making it part of the argument. In a similar fashion my mistake could be taken in a few ways.

The very act of seeking a more complete picture, Tao, greater understanding, etc. is unlikely to succeed because its already there; my error is in how I seek it, at a more fundamental level the error is in how I phrase the inquiry. Its not about how I obtain understanding of it, which I have naturally, but how do I let go to simply be guided by it. Seeking in my head also emphasizes a sense that the answer is out there in the world, where asking could more readily apply to an internal search; this point however is not actually in the text, I think, its simply a personal discrimination between the two concepts. The more I think about the Tao the more faith and intuition make sense to me.

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.” – Alan Watts

As far as a truly accruate translation goes, any version of the words I’ve choosen could be wrong. The sentence at face value is nothing mythical so it may only make sense in that form if you translate it to english and understand the additional layer on top of that. I may also preference it just because its mine, not because it will tell others anything except though my explination. Still could be a good ice breaker.

Pilgrimage: Shelter, Food, and Internet Access

A proper leap of faith is one taken with all your strength and submerges you in past the point of what you think you can handle. I could be wrong on this, but that is what I’ve been lead to believe. There is also something to be said about small steps, gradually edging you closer to something your not yet capable to comprehend. The Shaman would tell us that the spirits will never put us through anything we can’t handle, but I don’t recall their ever mentioning a true comprehension of the mysterious either. Its been a year at this point; I no longer recall if there was a discussion about the wisdom obtained in ceremony other than in some sense if true knowing was an infinitely high mountain, to believe you’d find the top was simply a choice to stop searching for it. I think a similar idea exists in Hindu and Buddhism though my knowing is at best theoretical and always that of someone not even a novice in its study.

Food is the one point I feel like I’m almost maintaining an all out leap, while water I’ve reserved myself to actively begging or think it will be easy enough to obtain from a public drinking fountain. Possibly I am over estimating its presense or the willingness of others to part with it, so maybe I ought to re-evaluate that assumption. Taking a backpack is a point I feel conflicted about but like water see the value especially in protecting a book to write in and my flute to learn. Peace Pilgrim is certainly someone to honor* but without a cause behind me, I feel like I’m less worthy of the kindness of others.

Food is tricky, I’m a little ambiguous on my limitations there and though I’m quite willing to fast eventually it will catch up with me. I do wish to avoid begging, and this includes using the pan flute or hanging out in bars or wherever to try getting a meal or money for one. Any of those things feel like manipulation on some level though and that includes people who’d feel compelled to help from hearing about me inperson or over the net, including through this blog. I doubt anyone would question the necessity of food and water, certainly my trip itself could be more open to criticism and thus my worthiness of such donations. My wish not to carry money is much the same as the one for avoiding carrying technology, it means people who read this know ahead of time I’ve got nearly nothing worth stealing, though obviously not many people will see this before they encounter me in person; if they do check it out after.

Internet Access is probably something like water; I’m over estimating the abundance and accessibility of it. The Monroe county library system is all wired up; I think I could get online at any library. Its quite the assumption I’m making that this is true of most libraries in places I’d travel to within the US. The question comes up of what happens to the site/twitter between libraries or kind hosts. Certainly I wouldn’t type out a long post on someones iPhone. Part of me does not expect either to garner a lot of attention and its not a huge concern, an element of this trip is to break me away from my pursuit of pure information online and experience things for myself; but certainly a post each time I hit a wired town would be nice if others are wondering how I’m doing.

On the subject of further limiting hardship I’ve come to contemplating shelter, its inevitable that I’ll end up sleeping outside eventually. John Francis used a tent but to my knowledge he wasn’t relying on people the same way peace pilgrim was and again they both were raising awareness for things (the Environment and Peace respectively). I ought to look at how the Buddhists travel long distances on foot, though its likely the received shelter from others sympathetic to their cause (food and water are also relevant). Their 10 Precepts are something I found wisdom in and they have been part of the formation of this whole idea in addition to the bible verse; but I’ve already assumed I won’t manage to follow the rules completely (perhaps a future post in itself). If I were to take a shelter I must say I like the idea of a Hammock/tent, seems like it would be lighter than most options but does pose some difficulty if i get into a flatland such as the plain states.

I can’t seem to overstate my internal battle though; the more gear, the less I feel like I’m honoring the pilgrimage for a spiritual and/or a life directing awakening. I suppose in the end my commitment to the journey is all that truly matters and all of this amounts to nothing more than an attempt to reduse hardship be the easier way empty handed or with a full pack. Its quite possible I’m making far more of a deal about it then will ever come up; its just hard not to try to manage risk/trouble even when I have no idea what I’ll find.

* My first thought was to write aspire to though banging around in my head is some warning about idealizing people and things like that. Its still dancing around the outer reaches so I can’t recall it specifically though. I’m sure it will come to me soon enough.

Another quick aside, theres talk of a family reunion july 4th so if I left early enough (first week of may) or made good enough time I could make it from New York through Canada to Illinois in time to be there. Certainly gives me a location to aim for which is more than I have now, but no idea where I’d go from there so it would only delay that random direction unless I learned of another place on the way there. Might be worth considering a place at an organic farm just as kind of a beginning point as well as a new experience to try.

The point of a journey is the journey.

In Perennial Philosophy Huxley discusses the three routes to spiritual gain in relation to temperament; The way of works, knowledge and devotion. To best describe it I would suggest imagining 3 axis’ representing 3 extremes (the center point where they begin being a balance of all equally) and temperament would be plotted by averaging the 3 values. Devotion he claims is for those of a highly expressive emotional nature and through proper practice would simultaneously be less seeking for the love of others and itself and yet more loving and accepting of all. The way of works is for those who feel compelled to ‘do something’, their goal becomes to no longer cherish goals, to simply do the work without interest in its results. The way of knowledge is similar in that the person must seek a non-attachment to the results of his mental acrobatics, where normally you have a question you seek to answer, the point becomes to think without thinking.

Each of these paths attempts to transcend selfish goals into to a more natural individual. Its also my thought that since no one is of a single extreme a truly transcendent person must succeed in walking all the paths at once. If I truly look at myself I can see where each path applies though my description may seem more confusing than the original text. Each of them is certainly a strong block to be confronted though the ways of Knowledge and Works strike me as the most consistently challenging. Knowledge is not the kind to which I find myself drawn, I want to be seen as an intellectual, yet the way of knowledge is more akin to obtaining and navigating with intuition. Neutrality in the way of works would lead me to be more willing to risk and navigate failure than I am now, bolstering intuition with experience.

That is the funny thing about this, I really have very little idea what I’m doing and as much as I try to read there isn’t exactly a subculture I’ve found that satisfies my search for information. I can easily see how this would be a meditation in and of itself, my entire purpose becoming to put one foot in front of the other. Where am I going? At this point my only direction is south, I play with the idea of walking from ocean to ocean and may do it eventually I don’t feel particularly drawn to consider that part of my goal. Why am I doing it? I think it could be helpful in getting closer to that simpler mode of being, that more natural mind, body and spirit. When? At this point I’m aiming for early May to start walking.

A friend is getting married in September which I have to wonder if I’ll be attending or how travel will be modified if I do intend to be there. Its either 63 days of travel someplace and then head home or 120ish days and bus or fly back for it. I suppose that is the thing though If I leave I’ll obviously miss attending certain events be they with family or friends. I definitely want to maintain openness to doing this longer than 4 months so not attending is an option and so is traveling back to wherever I end up leaving off. In the end its far off, I don’t need to worry about it now. Hitchhiking isn’t really in the plan but maybe that will change as well, could be a viable way to make it easier to attend special events.

May also sounds a lot further off in my head than it really is. So I guess I should get down to business and figure more of this out eh? As always any tips or thoughts are welcome.

Pilgrimage: The Material Items

I feel as though taking my own walk is necessary, though saying necessary doesn’t quite capture it. There is this feeling similar to what I felt while intending to go to Peru; its somehow right yet not without the obvious fear of throwing myself in a situation I’m not certain I even begin to grasp. With me I still lean towards carrying a messenger bag, a pan flute and a book to draw/write in; the maybe list includes a copy of perennial philosophy, various personal hygiene/utility items and a change of clothes.

This list however deals more with what I plan to leave behind; I entertain the idea of reducing the contents of my room to fit within a plastic bin or three. Over the months I’ve been taking a mental stock of my room, and it brings up an interesting question, what do I keep and why?

The objects I’m most sensitive about would have to be my game systems and games. Nintendo NES, SNES, 64, Gamecube, Gameboy, Gameboy Advanced SP, Sega Game Gear, Action Max, (maybe the Xbox). Used to be when you returned games you got a little extra money if you kept the box and its contents in good condition, that store policy has turned me into a bit of pack rat on that front even though the last game I traded was probably Goldeneye for the N64. Even if I do pick up a game to play it, except in the case of those on CDs, I never go near an old box; and yet they seem to hold this almost sentimental sacred space in my head. Most of me knows its absurd and yet I don’t want to let go of them.

My computer and related things, includes a few more games but for this subject its more so that I see a future usefulness, it also contains things I’d like to keep. There is no reason to get rid of it either though I do have the vague sense if I shut it down for a long period I won’t be able to rouse it from its slumber. Its 5 years old now and showing its age; I’m not sure it could handle the technological leaps with things such as flash player updates that occur before I return.

There are some odds and ends but the last major keep I have in mind is my small library. A full set of Hunter: The Reckoning books, about an equal number related to Dungeons and Dragons 3.5, textbooks from massage therapy classes, a number of fiction and non-fiction on various subjects. I think in a similar way to video games themselves (rather than the packaging) these things represent part of my knowledge and I have a reasonable amount of pride in having enjoyed them even if they and what I’ve learned never do anything but sit there. I admit I can’t see myself picking up one of the hunter books or textbooks before an old game unless I have a specific reason for the renewed interest. I use the local public library quite a bit but I still prefer having a book within reach anytime I’d want it.

Most of the toys seem to have lost their allure except for the legos, those are something it couldn’t hurt to keep for when I have kids (or my own use later on). I don’t have many DVDs and any VHS are related to the Action Max so they arn’t really worth mentioning. I have to wonder if there exists some thread in the things I wish to keep that might give me a clue about what I ought to direct myself towards other than this walk; part of me says they are all attachments I don’t need, distractions one might say (though distracting from the spiritual sense); part of me also believes I could be content in anything I do, though I don’t see that as justification for just doing anything that comes along. Still its interesting to contemplate whats of worth to you, perhaps if anyone tries it and learns anything they’d share a story or two to guide others.